For better or for worse.....

Well, for better or for worse, here is the post on where our infertility journey is at the moment. We have been trying to conceive for 25 months and still have an empty back bedroom, painted orange, just waiting for Baby Pilcher. Back in June I started see Drs trying to figure out what was causing the infertility. I was first diagnosed with PCOS in August. This PCOS prevents the rupture of the sacks around my eggs and this causes cysts to form on my ovaries, instead of ovulating. These cysts then produce extra testosterone and androgens, which further inhibit my ovulation. In the 25 months that we have been trying to get pregnant, I have probably ovulated twice. :( The Dr. who diagnosed me with the PCOS referred me on to the RE (reproductive endocronologist) in Sioux Falls and told me that she doesn't think that I had a very good chance of conceiving without help.  Anyone who has experienced a bout with a RE knows that you better be ready to drop about $750 per visit and Aaron and I both didn't have peace with going that route since I still wasn't convienced that that was why I wasn't having a cycle. So I kept doing research, seeing other drs, having more bloodwork, more ultrasouds, and ended up with a PA in Sioux Falls that a few other women in my church referred me to.  This PA did a different sort of test for my thyroid function. To take it back a few steps because I don't know if I mentioned this in an earlier post, last October I went to my regular MD because I was having discomfort when I was swallowing. He found a large goiter on my thyroid and ordered bloodwork. He told me at that time that he was SURE that I had a thyroid problem, with the goiter and my symptoms, and gave me a sample pack of synthroid (a drug to treat a T4 deficiency) and was going to write me a script the next week depending upon what my numbers showed. I felt pretty good that week with the synthroid but when I went back the next week he said all of my thyroid numbers were fine and took me off the med because he said that if I kept taking the med and didn't actually have a T4 problem, my thyroid would start working less and less. This made sense to me but then 8 days later (15 days after starting synthroid) I had my first period in over 11 months. TMI. Anyway, I have been tested for thyroid problems no less than 8 times because I kept telling each Dr. that I went to that I was convinced that my thyroid was what was up with our infertility and each one of them said my thryoid was ok. Finally, this Dr. tested my thyroid and ran a test and found that the ratio of my reverse t3 and my free t3 was WAY off. They look for a number at or above .2 and mine was at .012. Way off. Anyway, I have an appt with this dr. this upcoming Monday to start on a treatment for the thyroid issue and on Wednesday with the Endocronologist to have an initial consult of what needs to be done with the enormous goiter on my thyroid.  I will write more as I start these treatments next week and I'll probably go more in dept about the process I've gone through, the drs I've seen and the enormous amount of information I've had to sort and sift through to get to where we are now.

Redirection

So, it has been quite a while since my last post. About 6 months, actually. Like I posted in an earlier blog, I go through seasons with this fertility struggle and the last 6 months I don't entirely know where my head has been and I just really didn't feel much like blogging about that. But, I'm here again and I've renamed the blog because I feel like that's a more accurate description of the struggle I'm in. I feel like this season of infertility has brought out some of the worst in my personality and I'm struggling to reground myself. The greater problem has been that I've a perfectionist to my core. Some of you who know me personally may not really recognize this about me but it haunts my thoughts constantly. I look at something and if I can't do it perfectly or don't have complete control over it, I procrastinate, feels as though I'm under constant judgement or simply feel like a failure. In the last 6 months I've been haunted by so many different branches of my life that I can't make perfect and it has com to a head recently. Mentally, I've been so preoccupied by trying to make everything perfect that I have sacrificed the things that make life really good and have felt like such a failure that I've been refusing to live in the Grace I know I have.  I've been empty because I've just been living in the failure and negativity instead of letting the struggles refine my faith and help me grow as a person and in my marriage. I've known I wanted to get back to blogging for a while but didn't know how to get back into the groove of it because of everything going on with the fertility issues but for better or worse, I'm back into it. I've renamed it to reflect the bigger problem that I'm going through (which will be a lifelong one) and to reflect the ultimate goal of my heart. I want a large family but for now, this is the current obstacle The Lord has given me to work on. I'll update tonight or tomorrow with the current happpenings of baby Pilcher #1, but for now, I hope this will be an encouragement to anyone struggling with the thoughts of their minds about their worth and confidence.