THE MOVE!

I really do hate and love moving at the same time. I love new things, setting up home, meeting new people, going through closets, boxing stuff up, and the adventure. But I really, really, really hate everything that has to do with the stress of picking out a new place. I think I'm pretty picky with where I want to live because I love to set up home and I know what I want. One life skill that I really need improvement on is separating my living conditions from my stress levels. If I don't like where I'm living, I'm grumpy and stressed. If my house is a mess, I'm grumpy and stressed. If our place is too small, I'm grumpy and stressed.... and on and on. So, moving from one place that I have made home, find beautiful, and have plenty of space means I have some pretty high expectations for our next place. To be absolutely clear,  I LOVE that we are moving from South Dakota to Peoria, IL. That was my #1 pick as far as where I wanted to be permenantly (as permenant as you can be nowdays) so the move makes me giddy and excited. Finding a new place is always a challenge no matter how far you are moving or how long you have. Right now we own a house and are putting it on the market next Monday. Which is great because this house has been a huge blessing to us in that the profit we make from it will pay all of my student loans and leave us a nice nest egg until we are settled (Aaron still doesn't have a job). But, it makes me uber anxious because we don't know if we are going to buy our next place or rent. We are leaning towards renting for a little while since Aaron doesn't have a job yet and I honestly don't think I can handle the process of going through all the mortgage papers again with everything thats already going on with fertility treatments, Aaron graduating, work, selling the house, the move, job hunting..... Yet, I can't find a good rental! We want a nice 3 bedroom house in the Peoria area for less than $700 a month. After paying a mortgage, this seems like an insane amount to pay for rent but I know that's probably what we are going to end up paying for what we (I) want. We have 1 acceptable lead on a place but haven't heard back from the landlord and I don't know if we are going to be able to wing a July 1 or Aug 1 rent date this far out. It just stresses me out. As I was searching and searching the internet for any listed rentals that may be out there I realized moving has sucked every single solitary time. Everytime I think we will never find something that will work and The Lord brings us to something perfect. The right place, space, and price. So, for the next 5 months, I'm going to have to just trust the The Lord will do it again. I never know how He is going to do it, but He does.

Debbie Downer

Well, today was one of those days that makes me not want to blog. Life seems gloom and I don't really feel much like writing about these blah days. But reading some of these everyday blogs from others dealing with infertility is helpful for me when I'm having some really down days, so I suppose I will blog. I feel like I could hardly keep up with the bare minimum of what I had to do today and that makes me feel frantic, down, and defeated. Being the breadwinner definetly puts a lot of pressure and demand on my time. The problem with that is that I need to change quite a few things in my daily life to address and continue to heal my PCOS, and they all take a lot of positive mental energy and time and days like today are much easier just getting through them. And today, I just tried to get through it. I'm exhausted from traveling back from Minnesota so early, white knuckled through the fog and ice, and getting back just in time to start all my responsibilities. I'm just ready to call it a day and go to bed hoping I can get through tomorrow better. Emotionally, these days wear on me because I want a child more than any one thing now and I know that there is very little chance of conceiving without consistent changes in my day so when I don't put in the work, time, and energy to change what I need to change, I feel even more desperate for a pregnancy. So I get upset with myself and the snowball grows. Planning on getting to bed realtively early tonight and hoping my attitude and mental place will get better with some sleep. Will blog this week on what specifically I need to be changing and how that's all going.

2013: New Hopes and New Roads

So, I'm a terrible blogger because I never do it. To be honest, I never feel like I have very much to write but one of my goals for 2013 is to blog more. Shouldn't be hard because, like I said, I'm terrible at it! 2013 will hold lots of new and great things for us and plenty of opportunities for us to watch God open doors for us and I'm so excited for these changes!! Quickly, since its late, here's what 2013 will bring for us or the goals we have set for ourselves: Aaron's graduation from Law School, bar exam, and employment as a lawyer (God willing); Selling our first home; Moving back to the Peoria area (!!!); Buying our second home; Either completing our adoption papers and on the books waiting for a baby or conceiving our own child; Implementing a much healthier lifestyle; Being off the majority of my synthetic medications for PCOS management; blogging more; reading through the Bible in one year. 2013 will be a big year for Aaron and I, but personally, one of the biggest things I'm striving for/looking forward to will be healing physically for me. I feel, after a lot of praying and researching, I have a pretty good game plan for the year. Basically, this fictious exchange sums it up, "Patient: 'Doctor, I don't feel well and I'm not sure why.' Doctor, 'I want you to meditate for 20 minutes twice a day, exercise for at least 30 minutes a day, avoid processed foods, eat plenty of organic fruits and vegetables, spend more time with nature and less outdoors, stop worrying about things you can't control and ditch your T.V. Come back in 3 weeks.'" 

For better or for worse.....

Well, for better or for worse, here is the post on where our infertility journey is at the moment. We have been trying to conceive for 25 months and still have an empty back bedroom, painted orange, just waiting for Baby Pilcher. Back in June I started see Drs trying to figure out what was causing the infertility. I was first diagnosed with PCOS in August. This PCOS prevents the rupture of the sacks around my eggs and this causes cysts to form on my ovaries, instead of ovulating. These cysts then produce extra testosterone and androgens, which further inhibit my ovulation. In the 25 months that we have been trying to get pregnant, I have probably ovulated twice. :( The Dr. who diagnosed me with the PCOS referred me on to the RE (reproductive endocronologist) in Sioux Falls and told me that she doesn't think that I had a very good chance of conceiving without help.  Anyone who has experienced a bout with a RE knows that you better be ready to drop about $750 per visit and Aaron and I both didn't have peace with going that route since I still wasn't convienced that that was why I wasn't having a cycle. So I kept doing research, seeing other drs, having more bloodwork, more ultrasouds, and ended up with a PA in Sioux Falls that a few other women in my church referred me to.  This PA did a different sort of test for my thyroid function. To take it back a few steps because I don't know if I mentioned this in an earlier post, last October I went to my regular MD because I was having discomfort when I was swallowing. He found a large goiter on my thyroid and ordered bloodwork. He told me at that time that he was SURE that I had a thyroid problem, with the goiter and my symptoms, and gave me a sample pack of synthroid (a drug to treat a T4 deficiency) and was going to write me a script the next week depending upon what my numbers showed. I felt pretty good that week with the synthroid but when I went back the next week he said all of my thyroid numbers were fine and took me off the med because he said that if I kept taking the med and didn't actually have a T4 problem, my thyroid would start working less and less. This made sense to me but then 8 days later (15 days after starting synthroid) I had my first period in over 11 months. TMI. Anyway, I have been tested for thyroid problems no less than 8 times because I kept telling each Dr. that I went to that I was convinced that my thyroid was what was up with our infertility and each one of them said my thryoid was ok. Finally, this Dr. tested my thyroid and ran a test and found that the ratio of my reverse t3 and my free t3 was WAY off. They look for a number at or above .2 and mine was at .012. Way off. Anyway, I have an appt with this dr. this upcoming Monday to start on a treatment for the thyroid issue and on Wednesday with the Endocronologist to have an initial consult of what needs to be done with the enormous goiter on my thyroid.  I will write more as I start these treatments next week and I'll probably go more in dept about the process I've gone through, the drs I've seen and the enormous amount of information I've had to sort and sift through to get to where we are now.

Redirection

So, it has been quite a while since my last post. About 6 months, actually. Like I posted in an earlier blog, I go through seasons with this fertility struggle and the last 6 months I don't entirely know where my head has been and I just really didn't feel much like blogging about that. But, I'm here again and I've renamed the blog because I feel like that's a more accurate description of the struggle I'm in. I feel like this season of infertility has brought out some of the worst in my personality and I'm struggling to reground myself. The greater problem has been that I've a perfectionist to my core. Some of you who know me personally may not really recognize this about me but it haunts my thoughts constantly. I look at something and if I can't do it perfectly or don't have complete control over it, I procrastinate, feels as though I'm under constant judgement or simply feel like a failure. In the last 6 months I've been haunted by so many different branches of my life that I can't make perfect and it has com to a head recently. Mentally, I've been so preoccupied by trying to make everything perfect that I have sacrificed the things that make life really good and have felt like such a failure that I've been refusing to live in the Grace I know I have.  I've been empty because I've just been living in the failure and negativity instead of letting the struggles refine my faith and help me grow as a person and in my marriage. I've known I wanted to get back to blogging for a while but didn't know how to get back into the groove of it because of everything going on with the fertility issues but for better or worse, I'm back into it. I've renamed it to reflect the bigger problem that I'm going through (which will be a lifelong one) and to reflect the ultimate goal of my heart. I want a large family but for now, this is the current obstacle The Lord has given me to work on. I'll update tonight or tomorrow with the current happpenings of baby Pilcher #1, but for now, I hope this will be an encouragement to anyone struggling with the thoughts of their minds about their worth and confidence.

Just another day in paradise

I'm exhausted yet again tonight as I start to write what will probably turn out to be a short blog. Wednesday's are always my longest days. After supper, baking some bread and some scentsy deliveries after work I'm completely spent. So tired I feel a little sick to my stomach. Nights like tonight make me seriously wonder how Aaron and I will be able to manage a baby if we were blessed with one. I'm sure everyone is essentially in the same boat. Everyone is tired with not enough steam to go around at the end of the day. God willing, there is only 1 year left of school for Aaron and once I'm not the only one working, there will be a lot more freedom :) def something to look forward to.

Life Goes On

Another week later and still no signs of change for Aaron and I. Still waiting on Health Insurance to get figured out and kick in so I can go to the Dr. and hopefully get some things straightened out with my cycle. Its looking like, due to some budgeting things, we will have to wait until June 1 for insurance to kick in. I am very thankful that we are getting much better insurance soon, I'm just having a very hard time waiting right now. Every morning I take my waking temp and it never varies more than a couple .1 degrees different so I know nothing is changing with my body. What has struck me so much in the last couple of days is how sad I feel when I realize that life goes on. I refrain from checking facebook more than 2x a day just because I don't want to see all the pregnancy announcements and new babies born. I think with a lot of things in life, the fact that life is moving on  when something so hurtful has happened is the most painful part. I feel like I am missing out on things that it feels like most of my peers are experiencing now. While it would be very very easy for me to wallow in my self pity for an extended length of time, I know that whether I conceive a baby or not, my eternity will be exactly what my Creator intended it to be when He created me. It just might not look like what I intended it to be but I know that He is much wiser than I am. I do not want to look back at this time and see that I wasted it and missed out on the experiences I was given because I was wishing for one I was not.