For better or for worse.....

Well, for better or for worse, here is the post on where our infertility journey is at the moment. We have been trying to conceive for 25 months and still have an empty back bedroom, painted orange, just waiting for Baby Pilcher. Back in June I started see Drs trying to figure out what was causing the infertility. I was first diagnosed with PCOS in August. This PCOS prevents the rupture of the sacks around my eggs and this causes cysts to form on my ovaries, instead of ovulating. These cysts then produce extra testosterone and androgens, which further inhibit my ovulation. In the 25 months that we have been trying to get pregnant, I have probably ovulated twice. :( The Dr. who diagnosed me with the PCOS referred me on to the RE (reproductive endocronologist) in Sioux Falls and told me that she doesn't think that I had a very good chance of conceiving without help.  Anyone who has experienced a bout with a RE knows that you better be ready to drop about $750 per visit and Aaron and I both didn't have peace with going that route since I still wasn't convienced that that was why I wasn't having a cycle. So I kept doing research, seeing other drs, having more bloodwork, more ultrasouds, and ended up with a PA in Sioux Falls that a few other women in my church referred me to.  This PA did a different sort of test for my thyroid function. To take it back a few steps because I don't know if I mentioned this in an earlier post, last October I went to my regular MD because I was having discomfort when I was swallowing. He found a large goiter on my thyroid and ordered bloodwork. He told me at that time that he was SURE that I had a thyroid problem, with the goiter and my symptoms, and gave me a sample pack of synthroid (a drug to treat a T4 deficiency) and was going to write me a script the next week depending upon what my numbers showed. I felt pretty good that week with the synthroid but when I went back the next week he said all of my thyroid numbers were fine and took me off the med because he said that if I kept taking the med and didn't actually have a T4 problem, my thyroid would start working less and less. This made sense to me but then 8 days later (15 days after starting synthroid) I had my first period in over 11 months. TMI. Anyway, I have been tested for thyroid problems no less than 8 times because I kept telling each Dr. that I went to that I was convinced that my thyroid was what was up with our infertility and each one of them said my thryoid was ok. Finally, this Dr. tested my thyroid and ran a test and found that the ratio of my reverse t3 and my free t3 was WAY off. They look for a number at or above .2 and mine was at .012. Way off. Anyway, I have an appt with this dr. this upcoming Monday to start on a treatment for the thyroid issue and on Wednesday with the Endocronologist to have an initial consult of what needs to be done with the enormous goiter on my thyroid.  I will write more as I start these treatments next week and I'll probably go more in dept about the process I've gone through, the drs I've seen and the enormous amount of information I've had to sort and sift through to get to where we are now.

Redirection

So, it has been quite a while since my last post. About 6 months, actually. Like I posted in an earlier blog, I go through seasons with this fertility struggle and the last 6 months I don't entirely know where my head has been and I just really didn't feel much like blogging about that. But, I'm here again and I've renamed the blog because I feel like that's a more accurate description of the struggle I'm in. I feel like this season of infertility has brought out some of the worst in my personality and I'm struggling to reground myself. The greater problem has been that I've a perfectionist to my core. Some of you who know me personally may not really recognize this about me but it haunts my thoughts constantly. I look at something and if I can't do it perfectly or don't have complete control over it, I procrastinate, feels as though I'm under constant judgement or simply feel like a failure. In the last 6 months I've been haunted by so many different branches of my life that I can't make perfect and it has com to a head recently. Mentally, I've been so preoccupied by trying to make everything perfect that I have sacrificed the things that make life really good and have felt like such a failure that I've been refusing to live in the Grace I know I have.  I've been empty because I've just been living in the failure and negativity instead of letting the struggles refine my faith and help me grow as a person and in my marriage. I've known I wanted to get back to blogging for a while but didn't know how to get back into the groove of it because of everything going on with the fertility issues but for better or worse, I'm back into it. I've renamed it to reflect the bigger problem that I'm going through (which will be a lifelong one) and to reflect the ultimate goal of my heart. I want a large family but for now, this is the current obstacle The Lord has given me to work on. I'll update tonight or tomorrow with the current happpenings of baby Pilcher #1, but for now, I hope this will be an encouragement to anyone struggling with the thoughts of their minds about their worth and confidence.

Just another day in paradise

I'm exhausted yet again tonight as I start to write what will probably turn out to be a short blog. Wednesday's are always my longest days. After supper, baking some bread and some scentsy deliveries after work I'm completely spent. So tired I feel a little sick to my stomach. Nights like tonight make me seriously wonder how Aaron and I will be able to manage a baby if we were blessed with one. I'm sure everyone is essentially in the same boat. Everyone is tired with not enough steam to go around at the end of the day. God willing, there is only 1 year left of school for Aaron and once I'm not the only one working, there will be a lot more freedom :) def something to look forward to.

Life Goes On

Another week later and still no signs of change for Aaron and I. Still waiting on Health Insurance to get figured out and kick in so I can go to the Dr. and hopefully get some things straightened out with my cycle. Its looking like, due to some budgeting things, we will have to wait until June 1 for insurance to kick in. I am very thankful that we are getting much better insurance soon, I'm just having a very hard time waiting right now. Every morning I take my waking temp and it never varies more than a couple .1 degrees different so I know nothing is changing with my body. What has struck me so much in the last couple of days is how sad I feel when I realize that life goes on. I refrain from checking facebook more than 2x a day just because I don't want to see all the pregnancy announcements and new babies born. I think with a lot of things in life, the fact that life is moving on  when something so hurtful has happened is the most painful part. I feel like I am missing out on things that it feels like most of my peers are experiencing now. While it would be very very easy for me to wallow in my self pity for an extended length of time, I know that whether I conceive a baby or not, my eternity will be exactly what my Creator intended it to be when He created me. It just might not look like what I intended it to be but I know that He is much wiser than I am. I do not want to look back at this time and see that I wasted it and missed out on the experiences I was given because I was wishing for one I was not.

Seasons

I realized today while having lunch with a good friend that I go through seasons pretty predictably through this whole trying to get pregnant time. I start out with really inflated hopes and imaginations that I am pregnant and the desire for a baby gets so intense that its just about all that I can think about. I try to keep myself cool and level headed, but after about a week of these high hopes, I'm totally convinced that I am pregnant and go through a couple pregnancy test. All of which always come back with one stinking pink line. Then comes the burn out and all the raging emotions that I've had over and over every time I go through this season of being let down. I've been through them so many times but every time they come again, I feel like they will never pass. I have found some different (and more beneficial) ways of coping and with some time (and lots of prayer), the feelings and hopelessness begin to pass. Then I set into a new phase-- "Ok, so now I know I'm not pregnant. Maybe we should focus on our students loans. Get them all paid off first. Maybe I should focus on losing that 45lbs right now before I get pregnant. Maybe I should get a reading list of all the helpful parenting books and try to get through all of those first" etc, etc, etc. That season lasts for a few weeks to a month and then I'm right back at my most intense desire for a baby and the seasons start over again. I am struck here as I write with my great need to be focused on SOMETHING. Not that I think that my desire for a baby is totally caught up in this need, but that focus seems to be something that I am chasing. Right now I find myself in that stage where I am focusing on the other things that would make our lives perfect for having a family now (paying off debt, losing weight, etc) I think that I just need to take it one day at a time and zone my focus in on the Lord. Doesn't seem like an enormous revelation, but I am calling myself to do what I know to do-- and this is why blogging is good for me.

Weight Loss

One thing that I have wondered through this whole season is how much my weight has to do with my fertility. I know that the doctors and all say that it does have an affect and can even be a cause of infertility but I know plenty of overweight people who have had no problems getting pregnant. I am also a little apprehensive about gaining the weight from pregnancy, while I have weight now I should lose. Since getting married, I've gained a pretty solid 45lbs just from lack of intense exercise and pure exhaustion. I know its pretty much a circular issue. I'm tired so I grab something quick to eat and skip out on the exercise. Which results in more tiredness. So, I'm tired and grab an unhealthy snack or don't eat. Then I skip exercise again. I thought yesterday about this a lot too and was reading about it and was resolved to exercise for just 30 min a day. Then today happened, and at 9:40 I'm finally home and done with work, piano lessons and Scentsy stuff. On days like this I just really hope that my hubs gets a good job pretty quickly after graduation because I know I don't want to keep up this pace with a newborn.

Taking Charge of Your Fertility

I have had a friend recommend a book to me recently entitled, "Taking Charge of your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. Normally, I have a very hard time taking book recommendations because, unfortunately, I'm very stubborn and do not like to be told what to do or how to feel about something. This is something I know that I HAVE to work on because I do myself a disfavor so many, many times by not taking advise or suggestions from others. However, she is a dear friend and has raved about this book from the first day I asked for prayer about our fertility (about 8 months ago) She told me about the numerous friends she had recommended it to and what they had learned about their bodies and fertility along with the success they had at conceiving. Its a daunting book, over 300 pages, and I'm only about 50 pages in but I am thoroughly encouraged after reading it. Its all about getting the education a woman needs to interpret the signs and signals her body is giving her and being diligent about paying attention to them. And, taking control of your own fertility once you understand YOUR OWN BODY. I want to stress that I fully believe that the Lord is the only one who gives life. He has not given me a child yet and full well could have without me understanding my body. But, He has also given me a female body with many, many things to learn about my own fertility that I do not know. Not knowing this, has probably put me at a disadvantage when it comes to getting pregnant. I know that I have other issues going on that are affecting my ability to conceive and I do think that they will require medical attention. BUT, I feel like I will be more educated and able to make better choices and be more involved in my own treatment. I highly, highly recommend this book to anyone, especially those trying to conceive.

Hurtful Words

I was going to blog tonight about how awful I feel tonight. I had a someone dear to me look at me and say, "Oh, the joys of motherhood" with a sigh about the frustrations of tired children. This has happened numerous times and I just want to scream, "YES!! The joys of motherhood that I will never get to experience!" Instead, I just went to a room and cried and allowed myself to be angry and feel sorry for myself. Doesn't anyone think about how much I WANT a baby!! I logged on facebook before starting my blog thinking about how I would communicate my anger and how terrible it is to be infertile in the mist of those who have numerous children and began reading through a couple of my new messages. Many women have contacted me on facebook and shared their stories and struggles with me. While I am not happy to hear their stories and hope that they will be pregnant soon, it has been a great reality check for me. I am not alone. I am not the only one who hears these hurtful words. I am not the only one who does the what ifs, drs appointments, the why do they get kids and I don't. Then, I was confronted from these words that might as well have been spoken from my Lord, "What if I refuse to allow the Lord to be in charge of this? What if I give up and forget to see His goodness in life?" I think this is especially important for me tonight as tomorrow is the celebration of the fact that my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ rose from the dead. If my God is able to bring someone back from the dead, He is certainly able to bring my womb to life, when it appears to be dead. This is such a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful thing to me tonight. Tomorrow will bring with it meeting up with some cousins who are expecting that I have not seen since they found out that they are pregnant. However, I will try to bring my mind to think on the amazing reality that God brought the dead back to life. He can bring my dead womb to life.

Just Smile and Wave

What is a good balance of bringing up your infertility and allowing it to be part of your life and it being something not to talk about? In certain circles, I feel like some people don't care what we are going through. Not the unintentionally hurtful conversations that hurt just because others just don't pay attention enough to the thoguhts and feelings of others, but those people who make you feel like they are just too busy and have too much going on for you to be having these problems. That other things are much more important. So then, you just need to smile and pretend like everything is ok and try as much as you can to care with as much of your heart about what's going on with other people's lives. Unfortunately, in my experience it seems to be those closest to us that make me feel this way. I still don't have a solution to this.

I hate the word *relax*

I was going to blog tonight about how awful I feel tonight. I had a someone dear to me look at me and say, "Oh, the joys of motherhood" with a sigh about the frustrations of tired children. This has happened numerous times and I just want to scream, "YES!! The joys of motherhood that I will never get to experience!" Instead, I just went to a room and cried and allowed myself to be angry and feel sorry for myself. Doesn't anyone think about how much I WANT a baby!! I logged on facebook before starting my blog thinking about how I would communicate my anger and how terrible it is to be infertile in the mist of those who have numerous children and began reading through a couple of my new messages. Many women have contacted me on facebook and shared their stories and struggles with me. While I am not happy to hear their stories and hope that they will be pregnant soon, it has been a great reality check for me. I am not alone. I am not the only one who hears these hurtful words. I am not the only one who does the what ifs, drs appointments, the why do they get kids and I don't. Then, I was confronted from these words that might as well have been spoken from my Lord, "What if I refuse to allow the Lord to be in charge of this? What if I give up and forget to see His goodness in life?" I think this is especially important for me tonight as tomorrow is the celebration of the fact that my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ rose from the dead. If my God is able to bring someone back from the dead, He is certainly able to bring my womb to life, when it appears to be dead. This is such a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful thing to me tonight. Tomorrow will bring with it meeting up with some cousins who are expecting that I have not seen since they found out that they are pregnant. However, I will try to bring my mind to think on the amazing reality that God brought the dead back to life. He can bring my dead womb to life.

My Jesus' Response

I was going to blog tonight about how awful I feel tonight. I had a someone dear to me look at me and say, "Oh, the joys of motherhood" with a sigh about the frustrations of tired children. This has happened numerous times and I just want to scream, "YES!! The joys of motherhood that I will never get to experience!" Instead, I just went to a room and cried and allowed myself to be angry and feel sorry for myself. Doesn't anyone think about how much I WANT a baby!! I logged on facebook before starting my blog thinking about how I would communicate my anger and how terrible it is to be infertile in the mist of those who have numerous children and began reading through a couple of my new messages. Many women have contacted me on facebook and shared their stories and struggles with me. While I am not happy to hear their stories and hope that they will be pregnant soon, it has been a great reality check for me. I am not alone. I am not the only one who hears these hurtful words. I am not the only one who does the what ifs, drs appointments, the why do they get kids and I don't. Then, I was confronted from these words that might as well have been spoken from my Lord, "What if I refuse to allow the Lord to be in charge of this? What if I give up and forget to see His goodness in life?" I think this is especially important for me tonight as tomorrow is the celebration of the fact that my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ rose from the dead. If my God is able to bring someone back from the dead, He is certainly able to bring my womb to life, when it appears to be dead. This is such a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful thing to me tonight. Tomorrow will bring with it meeting up with some cousins who are expecting that I have not seen since they found out that they are pregnant. However, I will try to bring my mind to think on the amazing reality that God brought the dead back to life. He can bring my dead womb to life.

Its a Wednesday

Today brought with it a conversation with a co worker about the items she is buying for the baby shower of her daughter who is due in July, another one with a brand new mother, a nice BabiesRus catalogue waiting when I got home, topped off with a nice cruse through facebook updates about someone in labor, someone's new pregnancy picture, someone's pregnancy announcement and new baby pictures. Writing early this morning and taking the time to spend with the Lord before work was a great balm for my very raw heart from yesterday but its still just those little things that each day brings, especially at my age when all of my friends are moving into parenthood. I don't have any anger towards anyone who is sharing their great joy and blessings of their children on Facebook. Its just a part of my life that is especially noticable to me right now. Yesterday was a fresh surge in this difficult battle and by 9pm I knew I had to change my map through this time or else I would drive myself to the nut house. I have been trying to just fake happiness and stability instead of actually aiming for stability. And it was obvious yesterday that I was not doing a great job at hiding my emotional flood that was rushing through me. As anyone who has struggled with this knows, if I ever saw an actual # count of how many pregnancy tests I have taken in the last year and a half I would be mortified. Not only the # but the dollar amount as well. In the early stages of this struggle, I would buy the expensive First Response tests hoping that maybe I would have a tiny bit of hormone that could be detected just a little earlier. Then I switched and started taking lots of the cheap ones. None of which saved us any money whatsoever. All have been negative. Always. Always. Always. I get this sickening feeling in my stomach waiting those 3 mins for the test results full well telling myself that it will be negative, there will only be one line in the window. Then, in the last few moments, I think, "what if? There could be two lines" I have a mental picture of two pink lines in the window and think this will be it. I look in anticipation at one pink line that brings absolute numbness to me. I have honestly felt at times that First Response does not make pregnancy tests that come with two pink lines. I have finally told myself that I will only allow myself to take one pregnancy test a month. That is it. I had not taken one in almost a month and was feeling pretty confident in my control, stability and sanity when a thought crossed my mind yesterday that led me through a train of items that gave m pause to believe I could be pregnant. Within 1 hour I was frantic and bought another pack of pregnancy tests. I bought a pack of 3 so that I could take them and have 3 positive results laying next to each other for a picture that would satisfy that raw spot inside from the unknown number of negative tests I've taken. I told myself that I was going to just take one and if it was negative, then I would save the next ones for next month. Within the evening, I had taken all 3 and all 3 rudely reminded me that I was not carrying a baby. I lost it pretty quickly. Sobbing, shaking, googling, facebook stalking, and fighting with my sweet husband. The whole works of self loathing and self pity.

"Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for blessings. We pray for peace. Comfort for family, protection while we sleep. We pray for healing, for prosperity. We pray for your Mighty hand, to ease our sufferings. And all the while you hear each spoken need. Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things. Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know your near? What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise? We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear. We cry out in anger when we cannot feel you near. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love. As if every promise from your Word is not enough. And all the while you hear each desperate plea. And long that we'd have faith to believe. Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know your near? What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise? When friends betray us. When darkness seems to win we know this pain reminds this heart that this is not our home. Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing come through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know your near? What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life. Are the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights. Are your mercies in disguise?

Hope to be Mommy

I was going to blog tonight about how awful I feel tonight. I had a someone dear to me look at me and say, "Oh, the joys of motherhood" with a sigh about the frustrations of tired children. This has happened numerous times and I just want to scream, "YES!! The joys of motherhood that I will never get to experience!" Instead, I just went to a room and cried and allowed myself to be angry and feel sorry for myself. Doesn't anyone think about how much I WANT a baby!! I logged on facebook before starting my blog thinking about how I would communicate my anger and how terrible it is to be infertile in the mist of those who have numerous children and began reading through a couple of my new messages. Many women have contacted me on facebook and shared their stories and struggles with me. While I am not happy to hear their stories and hope that they will be pregnant soon, it has been a great reality check for me. I am not alone. I am not the only one who hears these hurtful words. I am not the only one who does the what ifs, drs appointments, the why do they get kids and I don't. Then, I was confronted from these words that might as well have been spoken from my Lord, "What if I refuse to allow the Lord to be in charge of this? What if I give up and forget to see His goodness in life?" I think this is especially important for me tonight as tomorrow is the celebration of the fact that my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ rose from the dead. If my God is able to bring someone back from the dead, He is certainly able to bring my womb to life, when it appears to be dead. This is such a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful thing to me tonight. Tomorrow will bring with it meeting up with some cousins who are expecting that I have not seen since they found out that they are pregnant. However, I will try to bring my mind to think on the amazing reality that God brought the dead back to life. He can bring my dead womb to life.