Seasons

I realized today while having lunch with a good friend that I go through seasons pretty predictably through this whole trying to get pregnant time. I start out with really inflated hopes and imaginations that I am pregnant and the desire for a baby gets so intense that its just about all that I can think about. I try to keep myself cool and level headed, but after about a week of these high hopes, I'm totally convinced that I am pregnant and go through a couple pregnancy test. All of which always come back with one stinking pink line. Then comes the burn out and all the raging emotions that I've had over and over every time I go through this season of being let down. I've been through them so many times but every time they come again, I feel like they will never pass. I have found some different (and more beneficial) ways of coping and with some time (and lots of prayer), the feelings and hopelessness begin to pass. Then I set into a new phase-- "Ok, so now I know I'm not pregnant. Maybe we should focus on our students loans. Get them all paid off first. Maybe I should focus on losing that 45lbs right now before I get pregnant. Maybe I should get a reading list of all the helpful parenting books and try to get through all of those first" etc, etc, etc. That season lasts for a few weeks to a month and then I'm right back at my most intense desire for a baby and the seasons start over again. I am struck here as I write with my great need to be focused on SOMETHING. Not that I think that my desire for a baby is totally caught up in this need, but that focus seems to be something that I am chasing. Right now I find myself in that stage where I am focusing on the other things that would make our lives perfect for having a family now (paying off debt, losing weight, etc) I think that I just need to take it one day at a time and zone my focus in on the Lord. Doesn't seem like an enormous revelation, but I am calling myself to do what I know to do-- and this is why blogging is good for me.