Its a Wednesday

Today brought with it a conversation with a co worker about the items she is buying for the baby shower of her daughter who is due in July, another one with a brand new mother, a nice BabiesRus catalogue waiting when I got home, topped off with a nice cruse through facebook updates about someone in labor, someone's new pregnancy picture, someone's pregnancy announcement and new baby pictures. Writing early this morning and taking the time to spend with the Lord before work was a great balm for my very raw heart from yesterday but its still just those little things that each day brings, especially at my age when all of my friends are moving into parenthood. I don't have any anger towards anyone who is sharing their great joy and blessings of their children on Facebook. Its just a part of my life that is especially noticable to me right now. Yesterday was a fresh surge in this difficult battle and by 9pm I knew I had to change my map through this time or else I would drive myself to the nut house. I have been trying to just fake happiness and stability instead of actually aiming for stability. And it was obvious yesterday that I was not doing a great job at hiding my emotional flood that was rushing through me. As anyone who has struggled with this knows, if I ever saw an actual # count of how many pregnancy tests I have taken in the last year and a half I would be mortified. Not only the # but the dollar amount as well. In the early stages of this struggle, I would buy the expensive First Response tests hoping that maybe I would have a tiny bit of hormone that could be detected just a little earlier. Then I switched and started taking lots of the cheap ones. None of which saved us any money whatsoever. All have been negative. Always. Always. Always. I get this sickening feeling in my stomach waiting those 3 mins for the test results full well telling myself that it will be negative, there will only be one line in the window. Then, in the last few moments, I think, "what if? There could be two lines" I have a mental picture of two pink lines in the window and think this will be it. I look in anticipation at one pink line that brings absolute numbness to me. I have honestly felt at times that First Response does not make pregnancy tests that come with two pink lines. I have finally told myself that I will only allow myself to take one pregnancy test a month. That is it. I had not taken one in almost a month and was feeling pretty confident in my control, stability and sanity when a thought crossed my mind yesterday that led me through a train of items that gave m pause to believe I could be pregnant. Within 1 hour I was frantic and bought another pack of pregnancy tests. I bought a pack of 3 so that I could take them and have 3 positive results laying next to each other for a picture that would satisfy that raw spot inside from the unknown number of negative tests I've taken. I told myself that I was going to just take one and if it was negative, then I would save the next ones for next month. Within the evening, I had taken all 3 and all 3 rudely reminded me that I was not carrying a baby. I lost it pretty quickly. Sobbing, shaking, googling, facebook stalking, and fighting with my sweet husband. The whole works of self loathing and self pity.